I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
