she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
