He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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