dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
