***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
he high fived his dick after we had sex
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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