It's a beautiful day for a hangover
bring money and cleavage
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
