I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
