Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
