In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I wish there were birth control emojis
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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