Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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