ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The maid of honor just puked.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize