There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
