I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
