Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
