Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wrigley field is MILF paradise
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
