dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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