Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
