my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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