I can text with my tongue
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
