Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
