In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
