WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
