last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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