She is in my trunk
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
