My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
