Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
