My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
