I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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