Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
