So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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