Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need to calm my uterus...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
