My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
