I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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