mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
