State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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