i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
