I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
