I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize