Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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