I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
