Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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