you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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