even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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