Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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