Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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