so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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