If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
