im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
