He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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