she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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