and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
