At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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