on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
