Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
