She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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