I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize