We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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