that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
