Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize